A road trip without my satellite radio...

I have a road trip in the morning. I will being paying my respects at a funeral for one of my first cousin's mother. The funeral will be in the City of Jacksonville, Texas. I have not returned to that same city since the last funeral involving the death of one of my estranged father's brothers. If you have not guessed by now, I'm not into attending funerals. But, when it comes to the one you care about, you do the right thing. The right thing is to go to the out of town funeral to pay one's respects to your cousin and their recent loss of her mother at the funeral.

I would not be upset about taking this road trip, except for the fact that my satellite radio is malfunctioning. The part for the satellite radio has not arrived at the car dealership, yet. But, a road trip must I still do. Besides, I went ahead and bought some Cd's to play during the road trip. Only thing that will be missing will be the snacking during the trip. Got to cut back on those dang snacking habits of mine. I get to use my GPS device to get me to my destination. And, I love that GPS device because it has a blue tooth function that I have become accustomed to utilizing during my longer trips on the road. I love my blue tooth device!!! Too bad it does not have satellite radio on it. Just kidding. I can't help it that I am addicted to my satellite radio.

A road trip without my satellite radio is like me going to work without my personal cell phone: It's still doable, but it will be pretty dang difficult to go without it. I really shouldn't put much feelings into an intangible things like a satellite radio. Maybe this road trip is just what I need to see what it feels like to go without it. I've been going for about two weeks with the satellite radio in my SUV. I sorta got used to listening to radio stations with commercial. Sorta got used to the concept of life without my satellite radio at while driving around in my city. But, driving on the road is a whole other thing. Whenever I'm on a road trip, there are a lot of factors that one deals with during that drive. I hope that there are interesting things to look at during the road trip. One can get bored really fast if all you see are miles and miles of trees. If there are no good radio stations to listen to during the road trip, one can only hope that there are some interesting and funny people to talk with me during that road trip. If I'm taking the road trip alone, then forget the last two sentences.

Overall, I'll be okay with this road trip. It'll be good to see my cousin, her family, and my home girl that also live on that side of town. I used to do a lot of road trips back during my younger days. Somewhere between my career and personal life I lost my will to keep taking road trips. I especially miss the ones that I used to take to the Houston area. It was fun hanging out with my homeboy and family. We were a good tandem on the defensive line during our S.H.S.U. football days. Yep, those were some good road trip days. But, I digress.

I will be taking my longest road trip, so far, without my satellite radio. And, I will be okay...

I'm ready to get back to work...

It's time to return to work. I've been away from the job for much too long. And, oddly enough, I miss my workplace. Can't worry about the things that have occurred before I returned back to work. I can only attempt to catch up and move on with my daily work activities once I return. Still have to be more positive in action than negative. Still have to be more helpful at work than selfish. Still have to be more than I am at work than what others expect me to be. Still have to find the time to stop and help those that really need my help. And, on top of all of that, I still must love my career choice rather than just going through the motions at my job. Even though I have been away from work for an extended period of time, I believe that I am still the same person that had to leave work back in September 18, 2009. In order to talk the talk, one must be able to walk the walk. The best way to walk the walk is to lead by example. This is my mission once I return to work.

The time off has allowed me to look at my strengths and short comings. I managed to get my body to the shape it was before the June 2009 traffic accident at work. And, I now feel that the job can function without me. I am not the center of the world at work. I am apart of a much bigger thing. I work with a team of coworkers, investigators, and prosecutors that share a common goal while at work: To bring justice to our victims of family violence. And, to do that goal to the best of our abilities. To do anything short of that goal should not become a common thing for me to do. But, I should not be so hard on myself because I was not successful at all tasks or all things. Just need to keep at my craft at work cause my job is never ending and always evolving. This is the constant work atmosphere that I enjoy doing for a living.

And, this is why I'm ready to get back to work...

The "unknown" scares me sometimes...

There is only one truth in my life when it come to the successes and failures that I have experienced: "I am the master of my own destiny." When I am given a challenged, I attempt to face them head on, and attempt to complete each one within a reasonable amount of time or to my some one's satisfaction. Some days I am more successful than others. Yet, when it come to my own future, I never seem to get over that fact that the "unknown" scares me sometimes.

The only way I can describe how the unknown appears to me is a path through a dark forest with no known end in sight. I normally find some courage from somewhere and head into that dark forest to see where that path will lead me next. So far, I have been able to come out on the other side of that dark forest. Career wise, the path into that dark forest becomes more difficult and longer with each step. But, the rewards of wandering where fools dare to tread are usually worth the risks that come with the new job. Sometimes, I found myself having to take a little longer through the dark forest because my path becomes harder to walk at times. As I keep getting older, I still find myself making those journeys into one dark forest after another. I guess dealing with the unknown will always be apart of my career life, even if it scares me sometimes.

I think I am more scared of disappointing anyone that places their faith in me to complete a task: Be it an Employee of the Year Award, a Commendation, a transfer to another department or division, or a promotion to a new position or something. I work to justify other's faith in me. That is just who I am. So, when I say that the unknown scares me sometimes, what I am really saying is that, "The unknown scares me sometimes. But, I am okay with being scared of the unknown cause that is when I push myself to find a successful way to rise to the challenge of that unknown." Hence, the unknown can be used in a positive way in my career life when dealt with correctly.

Only time will determine if the choices that I made while walking the path of that dark forest were correct or not. And, only history will show that anything that I have done in life affected anyone in a positive way. Until then, I really can't allow the unknown to scare me into being afraid of making mistakes like my wise old mentor once told me. Worrying about making mistakes will only cause them to still make those same mistakes. Like I said before, the unknown scares me sometimes. But, the unknown is just what it is: The unknown. Nothing less, nothing more. Regardless, I am still master of my own destiny.

Those online dating sites: Can't get mad cause it's not working as you have hoped...

Ever since I first attempted to meet a woman that I envisioned to one day be my soulmate back in 1999, I still find myself single and still using the Internet to attempt to meet a woman that could one day be my potential soulmate. One can never be mad at those online dating sites for not being able to find their soulmates, yet. I laugh at myself for even being on such online dating sites, now. Somewhere along the way of my single life, I have lost the courage to attempt to find a potential soulmate through the old fashion way: Through the art of conversation. Sure that I have gained a lot of weight. My dating score may also be well below the national average in the State of Texas. And, I am not getting any younger with the passing years. But, I don't believe that I actually lost my ability to talk to a woman face to face in hopes of eventually scoring a future date with her. So why am I using those online dating sites? I really don't know why I am doing it. Maybe, just using those online dating sites to see if I am still being seen as an attractive guy to any woman for self-esteem reasons? Maybe, not sure, possible.

One thing for sure, I don't believe that I am destined to be one of those single old guys wearing a silk jump suit at a nite club while trying to pick up young woman to hook up with. LOL. I just can't believe that will be my dating future. I still believe I will see a marriage in my future. It's just a matter of time.I am a single 41 year old guy. I have a college degree. I am working in a career that I love. My positive attributes definitely outnumber any negative ones that I may possess. And, I have no children. My life is not anywhere from be over. So why I am using those online dating sites to attempt to meet women. Well, my dear friend, the answer is simple: Most men and women fear the possibility of being rejected by the opposite sex. And, I am of no exception. Hence, the reason while a lot of single people are utilizing those online dating sites. Those online dating sites probably act like a "buffer" between keeping your feelings from getting hurt after meeting someone that may not be attracted to you. Those online dating sites may also act as a "buffer" from anyone that may began to start sounding a little "psycho" during your conversations with them. Either case, one can't really be too safe about meeting anyone for any reason these days including on those online dating sites.

Those online dating sites do have at least one positive thing about them: An informal way of potentially meeting new friends of the opposite sex where they probably would not have met otherwise. I met many of new friends of the opposite sex from those online dating sites. And, I can't be mad cause I have not met my potential "soulmate" from those online dating sites. There is a time and place for everything. When it is time for a person to meet their special someone, it will happen with or without those online dating sites. And, I am cool and patient with that fact of life...

The Animal Control Officer, the uncatchable stray dog, and the "Super Net"...

I once was an Animal Control Officer (ACO) for the City of Dallas (TX). Without bragging too much on myself, I was a pretty good Animal Control Officer during my earlier days. Well, I thought I was a good ACO until I had a service call of a stray dog that was chasing residents in the neighborhood. I finally located the stray male dog in the neighborhood and attempted to catch it. Each time I chase and attempt to catch that stray dog, it was eventually able to escape through an opening underneath one of the nearby houses in that neighborhood. This stray dog was really getting on my damn nerve cause I was unable to catch it.

Even when I finally caught that stray dog with one of our regular dog nets (it was actually a large aluminum pole fish catching net), the stray dog still managed to overpower the aluminum net and escape from my clutches once again. Dang stray dog!!! One day, I was able to come up with a concept to improve our ordinary fishing nets to catch and hold our stray dogs. One of my supervisor gave me a budget to work with. And, I was able to draw a new animal catching net. The catch pole was made from aircraft steel in order to be strong and light weight enough for even a female ACO to also handle. The loop that hold the fish net was made from rebard iron to not break while an animal is attempting to escape from the net. And, I made the net that it could be easily assembled and disassembled while transporting it on an animal control vehicle. I was able to create something that was never made before by our animal control shelters. My invention would eventually become known as the "Super Net". And, the Super Net became one of most effective tools during our dog catching calls.

The day finally came for me to attempt to catch that damn stray dog that kept alluding me. I even had a game plan with another CO to catch that stray dog. During the chase, everything worked out as planned when the stray dog attempt to escape underneath the same house it normally hides underneath. the officer was able to simply throw the Super Net over the dog before it got underneath the house. I could not believe we finally caught that damn stray dog with one of my inventions!!! I spoke too soon, though. That stray dog was not going to be caught without a fight. The dog, in desperation, launched out at me as I attempted to put a dog pole around its head with my hand. At the same time, the dog was able to bite through that fish net and escape from my clutches once again. The stray dog bit the hell out of my hand to the point it was almost feeling numb. That was the last time I ever saw that uncatchable stray dog. I learned a valuable lesson while dealing with that damn stray dog: "Nothing is ever a sure thing, especially when you don't take the unknowns into factor." I did not factor that the regular fish net would hold that crazy *ss stray dog. And, I underestimated what that dog would do once caught. But, at least I scared that stray dog out of that neighborhood, which stopped the stray dog calls on that street.

I eventually transferred to a new job withing the City of Dallas. And, the Super Nets (if not maintained by another ACO) probably became an animal catching tool of the past. I still think about that damn uncatchable stray dog from time to time (like yesterday) and wondered whatever became of it. I hoped it lived a good life. But, during my ACO days, I wanted to catch that dog soooo bad for biting me. Oh well, you catch them all I guess...

The State Fair of Texas (2009)

This was my visit to the State Fair of Texas for the year 2009. I paid $10.00 for parking. Another $15.00 for to get into the State Fair. And, another $30.00 for coupons. I chatted with my little sister and her new husband while they were working at the Johnson Food Booth, which was managed my my brother-in-law's family. I walked around the fair grounds and ended up inside of a couple of Auto Shows, a Home and Garden exhibition area, and an Arts and Crafts area. I escape my little sister's attempt to match me up with a woman that was walking around alone on the fair grounds. I lost another $20.00 on a card that allowed 40 credits in order to "attempt" to win a dart game. I rode on a Gondola for the first time. I also took pics on my camera cell phone while riding on that Gondola (It was fun). I managed to find a couple of nice homemade mahogany wood crafts pieces for my little sister and her new husband for their belated wedding gifts. I chatted with one of my little sisters college friends. I walked around a little more around the fair grounds. And, I chatted some more with my little sister. I gave away the last of my coupons to a complete stranger that shared a nice conversation with me. I exited the fair grounds. I returned to my parked vehicle. And, I returned home. It was good to go the State Fair alone for the first time. This was my visit to the State Fair of Texas for year 2009.

Gym locker rooms...

I don't know about what it is about the locker room that I go to at the gym. It never seems busy in my locker room area when I put my duffel bag up before working out. But, when I come back to change clothes before or after going to the swimming pool area, it is like I'm at a bus terminal or something.


Nothing more embarrassing than looking at some guys testicles while reaching for your stuff out the locker that is located below his. Yet, being in that gym locker room, does sorta remind me of my old high school and college football days, except a some of these guys are other people grandfathers. And, during my ole football days, you had your own personal locker where you did not have to put a padlock on it every time you came to workout. At least the gym locker room does give you some privacy while you get ready to get your workout on for the day. I guess that must be the beauty of using a gym locker room.

What is more funny is how grown men attempt coexist with each other by sitting on a small round piece of plastic furniture in the gym locker room area in order to change their clothes. The bigger the guy, the less sitting room on the plastic piece of furniture. Some days, I choose not to shower after swimming because of the overcrowding that occurs in the gym locker room. Some days I don't shower cause I just don't feel like showing until I get home. Let those guys think what they want to think about me when I don't shower at the gym locker room. I am a grown man, and I do what I dang well please.

Overall, I am not a fan of the gym locker room. But, that damn locker room is a necessity to have at the gym for safety placing you gear away until you are done working out or swimming or something like that...

Functional Capacity Evaluations (FCE)

When workers are injured, it’s not always easy to determine how soon they should return to work or how well they can physically handle their job tasks. A Functional Capacity Evaluation (FCE) is a comprehensive, valid, reliable tool that will help answer these questions. Through the FCE, a physical or occupational therapist works in conjunction with the referring physician. The result is an accurate and objective assessment of what tasks your worker is physically capable of performing and quantify any limitations they have as a result of an injury. The evaluation includes a variety of standardized, simulated work activities that help you:

1) Create accurate lifting restrictions and estimates
2) Compare the employee’s physical capabilities to their job description to determine whether they are ready to resume their duties
3) Determine if further medical treatment is needed
4) Provide support for the physician in assessing

The results of the FCE concisely communicate recommendations for your employee’s current and future work status with evidence that is legally defensible and admissible in court. As a result, the Functional Capacity Evaluation can help facilitate your employee’s return to work, close the case faster, and reduce the total claim expenses.

I unofficially past my FCE this morning. Now, my chances of returning to work soon has just improved my demeanor towards life. And, all I had to do is get off my sad *ss, go to the gym, and keep perfroming my physical therapy stretches and exercises. I even managed to loose some of my gained weight back (20 lbs). The doctor that administered the FCE instructed me to keep doing a good job at the gym even after I return to work. I see no reason to stop my workouts once I return to work...

Waiting rooms: Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!

I never cared much for waiting rooms much. I know these places are setup to attempt to make a person feel somewhat relaxed while their vehicle is being serviced, while waiting on their appointment with their doctor, while waiting for a job interview. But, I feel these types of places usually make one feel quite the opposite of relaxed. I, myself, usually feel a sense of anxiety come over me whenever I am sitting in a waiting room. Not as much anxiety while waiting on my vehicle getting repaired. But, my blood pressure does go up when that estimate for my vehicle repair is more than I originally anticipated or want to pay.

Some waiting rooms does have it comforts. I sat in a few waiting rooms that make me feel like I need to take a nap in one of their chairs. Some waiting rooms do play some nice music while I'm waiting to meet the doctor. And, a few waiting rooms even serve some tasty treats while you are at their location. So, I really can't hate on the waiting rooms to much. And, I enjoyed the waiting room that displayed a huge tropical fish tank at their chiropractor's office. So, some waiting rooms do know how to make their customers/clients feel comfortable or distracted until their appointment time.

I was sitting in this waiting room area today at a Ford dealership while my vehicle was being serviced. I think I felt more annoyed with the other waiting customers that seemed to behave like they did not want to be sitting around me for some reason that made me not enjoy that waiting room area. I was wearing clean clothes; And, I showered for Pete's sake. What the heck were their issues, man? For the record, one of the customers did attempt to have some small talk with me about what was showing on the television. Taking my IPod to the waiting room was the best thing I did for your own sanity while having to sit in that waiting room. REMEMBER THAT FACT, ALWAYS!!! But, I still enjoyed the service that I received while I was waiting at that Ford dealership. But, I digress.

So, in closing, I do have issues with waiting rooms. Yet, I see the necessity of having waiting rooms. So, why did I write this blog?

Sandlot football back in the days...

While driving towards my mother's residence today, I observed a group of young boys playing a game of sandlot football. Why we called it "sandlot football" when it was done on a grassy City of Dallas grassy field area was beyond me. I think is was called sandlot football cause there were no pads being worn during the tackles. When those little guys playing football made me think about the times that I used to play sandlot football in that very same field during my junior high through high school days. How I made it through those days without messing up my chances of earning a college football scholarship is beyond me.

I remember the hits, assaults, and hard tackles that I used to get in the name of trying to get a touchdown for our team. The sandlot football reach the point of playing other guys from nearby streets. It was to the point where we would play against the uphill people, who play a little dirty on their hard dirt field of play. But, we still respected each other after the game without any post game fighting being necessary. I loved playing sandlot football back in the days. Sandlot football is the only sport that I was able to quarterback, running back, wide receiver, and on defense during the game. We must have played sandlot football in the wettest of rainy days and the driest of sunny days. And, the game was not over until we could not see the football being thrown, which would usually mean sundown.

I think that if it was not for sandlot football, I would not have gotten as tough enough to play college football. Sandlot football also taught me about teamwork, playing with pain, and just enjoy playing the game with your crew win, loose, or draw. I played sandlot football to win. IF we lost, I still congratulated the other team on a good game. Never saw the point of fighting over a sandlot football game. No one was getting paid. the games had no referees which means some rules were broken from time to time. So, no sandlot football game was worth getting into a fight or getting in trouble over. I just enjoyed playing sandlot football cause it was just a fun to play with my boys during our younger years.

Would I be bold enough to play sandlot football now? Hell, no!!! I still got bills to pay. And, I still need my testicles to possibly produce a child one day soon. So, my sandlot football days are over, man. But, I enjoyed playing sandlot football back in the days because of the craziest tackles and touchdowns that came from that sport with a group of guys that I was proud to call my homeboys (my friends)...

I enjoy working out at the gym...

I enjoy working out at the gym. No one knows me. No one knows what I do for a living. And, no one seem to even acknowledge my existence at the gym. I enjoy working out at the gym.

While, I am working out at the gym, you can tell who are there to actually work out, who are there to pass the time, and who are there just to work out enough feel a little pain in their body and call it a day. I hate those people that feel like they have to constantly talk on their cell phones while they are working out at the gym. I hate those people that feel like they have to constantly talk on their cell phones while they are working out at the gym. I really hate those people that feel like they have to constantly talk on their cell phone while working out at the gym. It's nothing that I can do about it except to just find another area of the gym with no one talking on their cell phones. That's just foolish thinking. But, I still enjoy working out at the gym.

The gym is the one of the few places where I can think about anything else outside of where I work, the people that sometimes get on my nerves, or my own personal problems. The gym is the one place that helps keep the stresses of my life from compounding on my shoulders. The gym keep my sane. The gym is my solace. The gym maintains my well-being. Without the gym in my life I don't think that I would not have much control over my personal life. Like I said earlier: I enjoy working out at the gym!!!

Acceptance

Not hatin' on anyone feeling like they need to be accepted to some type of club, organization, or something like that. I think I am trippin' on the reason why one would want to feel like they need to be accepted in order to feel like their life has more meaning to it. And, to that extent, it is still okay to feel like one should feel apart of something that is greater than themselves. Acceptance is one of the basic group necessities in our society. I guess that there are times that I also feel like I need to be accepted to some cause or something. But, I enjoy the fact that I also behave as "a loner" to some extent. And, my loner mentality is accepted by my fellow peers as a social norm to my way of life. They might agree with or always understand my loner mentality. Yet, they still accept that one part of me as a person.

For years, I been able to be accepted for the hard-working and dependable person that I have come to be known for throughout my career life. And, I know there are certain responsibilities that goes along with being accepted by group of your peers. I always strive to never let my peer down when they depend on me to do something. I attempt to be more of an asset than a hindrance in whatever environment I am apart of. And, I usually attempt to leave a positive impression with anyone that allowed me to become a part of their "inner circle". One can still keep their integrity without falling completely to the ideologies of another or group after being accepted by them.

There is always going to be a need to be accepted. There is always going to be a need to accepted by a group of their own peers. And, there is always going to be a need to be accepted in order to feel apart of something that is greater than themselves. Just keep in mind that the day you loose your identity after being accepted is the day you loose your individuality of being unique to your own mentality and personality. IF no one can accept me for who I am, then their acceptance of any kind is of no importance to me. No acceptance by anyone or any group is not worth loosing that special part of you are for such a superficial desire. But, acceptance is still a nice thing to have by your peers, right?

The single swimming lanes...

One can never enjoy a public swimming pool until one is able to finally use one of the single swimming lanes. Each day I go to the swimming pool at my gym, I have to figure out the best time to get to the pool area, relax my muscles in the jacuzzi, do some stretches in the pool area, and then wait to finally get usage of one of the single swimming lanes. Once, in the single swimming lanes, I am able to do some half laps under water in the single lanes which works my shoulders and legs for about 10-15 minutes. I usually swim the other half of the lap on my back to work my shoulders and arms. Overall, it a good work out.

Something about the solace of swimming in a single lane. No one bothers you. And, I enjoy the isolation feeling that it was just me against the water. I was moving through this water by my own power. And, I usually feel much better after a nice swim in the single swimming lane. The colder the water, the better my muscles feels during the swims. I believe the single swimming lanes is one of the few things that keeps my from thinking about any of the stresses that may be occurring in my life. I love the single swimming lanes!!!

When one chapter ends, another chapter usually begins...

Funny how one does not see the total premise of a movie, until one reads the actual book that the movie was derived from. I believe the same would hold true for any story that a person would read. In that fact one is usually searching for the characters, the plot, the climax, and the ending of the story. And, it is usually the reader that decides if that story brought any type of satisfaction to their live after reading it.

Well, when it comes to my life, it is really irrelevant whether one obtains any type of satisfactions from the things that I write. I mainly write the things that are rolling around in my head and transcribes the words and images into a blog. I attempt to place some humor in most of the blogs that I write. But, some of the blogs are not meant to be humorous in the tale. So, with the prologue out of the way, I will give you this story:

I am known for being a "Jack of all trades, and a master of none." yet, I can never seem to get a handle on my love life. I did not write that last statement to get any type of sympathy for my inability to get my love life in check, "it is just fact". I know that I am the blame for my failed love life up to now. I can't even be mad or bitter about not even coming close to being engaged, yet. It is just fact that have been basically a single guy since I left college in May 1990. When the chapter of my love life in college ended with "Kathy C.", I waited for the next chapter of my love life to begin while residing in the Dallas-Fort Worth area. I was 21 years old when I graduated from Same Houston State University. I am now 41 years old and I still do not see a possible of my love life changing anytime soon.

If I am correct, each book have more than one chapter in its readings. That logic should hold true in the same fashion with my love life. Some chapters were longer than others. Some chapter were more colorful than others. Some chapters were more funnier than others. But, not one of those chapters seem to end with me finally meet my soul mate and we both live happily ever after or something like that. My chapters storyline usually begin as the last one ended: I am alone, now. I meet a woman that I am cautiously attractive to. We began to hangout or date. I managed to piss off the woman during our brief relationship. And, the relationship never develops any further for one excuse or another. New chapter another woman enters the story.

"When one chapter ends, another chapter usually begins." Man, I am so tired of hearing and saying that crap. I wish my the chapters to my love life finally ends soon. Cause an author or blogger can only write so much about one failed relationship after another for so long that even the readers can loose interest in what is being published about one's life. Hopefully, my love life will finally take a turn for the better one day soon. This blogger can only hope. Meanwhile, I will try ease off a little on the whole "self failure at love" storylines of my life...

The Rain

As I'm driving towards a woman's place to give her some money (with no strings attached), it is raining. As I drive closer and closer to this woman's place, the rain becomes more and more intense in force with each passing mile. The rain almost seems like it is telling me to venture no further with my mission to only give this woman money. But, I try to live on my word to do something that I say I would do. I promised this woman that I would give her the money that she needed for her dilemma. What can I say, I am who I am. And, I can be no more than who I am.

As I finally reach my destination, the woman greets me at her door. She is happy to see me. And, we hug each other. Without hesitation, I give the woman the money that she needed. I began to feel numb as the money left from my hand, because it was I that made the offer to give the woman the money. So, if I had to be made at anyone for this money matter between us, it should be no one else but myself. Hence, the feeling of numbness to my body. I give the woman another hug. I tell her to call me when her computer is ready for pickup so I can pay for that cost. And, I leave the woman's apartment. You may ask yourself why a guy would do such a thing for a woman that he is not even dating. That is a good question. The rain explains me best. The rain was reminding me that nothing but stormy weather were coming ahead if I continue to pursue a romantic life with this woman. Yet, I kept on driving into that rain storm.

As I am returning home, the rain is still causing my vehicle to sometimes slide on the roadway to the point where I almost hydroplaned and possibly wrecked my vehicle. And, for what? To only drive to another city to give a woman some money on a bad rainy night. My instincts was telling to venture not into that rain. My instincts told me on more than once to not give the money to the woman. But, I did it anyway. Even with all the rain and slides and fears of being in a wreck, I did it anyway. So, I really can't be mad at the woman for this situation. I can only blame myself.

Guilt has a way for eating at you with each passing day. I went out of my way to find this woman. I went out of my way to enter myself back into her life. And, I allowed myself to want to financially aide this woman with her problems. When I fulfill my last financial obligation to this woman, my guilt of my past experiences with this woman should soon fade. And, like the rain, my feelings for this woman would wash away to nothing more than a friendship with this woman. Sometimes, one must do extreme things in order to move on with one's relationship life. If giving away almost all of my money to this woman in order to remove any past romantic feelings for this woman. Then, let it be so. I just needed the rain to remind me that no woman is worth loosing you life over, or my hard earned financial stability.

When you come to a relationship realization about someone you care about...

I was lucky to be able to locate and meet with a good lady friend that I believed could have brought a lot of happiness in the past to my relationship life. And, in some way, I still believe that my lady friend has the potential to still be able to bring happiness into my relationship life. But, I am beginning to think that I may not be the type of guy that would be able to bring happiness into my lady friend's relationship life. She's appears to be at the stage where she is learning that money and friendships do not always end a loan being paid back. And, while she is still experiences the ups and downs of living as an single independent women, I do not feel that I should be trying to seek a relationship beyond our current friendship at this stage of her new life.

I think I have been trying to be "too supportive" with the well-being of my lady friend and her new life. In doing so, it appears that no matter how much I attempt to bring a positive solution to one of her dilemmas, there are others problems that are still frustrating her. I know my lady friend appreciates the encouragement that I have been showing her. But, I am afraid that I came to a relationship realization about my lady friend. I seen the relationship "red flags" before in other women that I dated/hung out with that were sometimes brooding/pessimistic in nature about their lives. These type of women won't allow themselves to "fully" enjoy the "positive" things that are occuring in her life without finding way to reflect on some negative aspects of their past. Not truly wanting to live fully in the positive moments of their lives. Meaning, these types of women rather fall back into a moment in her life when something or someone caused them to feel used or misused, rather than "fully" enjoy a current moment of satisfaction or joy. The sad part is that I may be one of catalysts in my lady friend's life that sometimes trigger those negative flashbacks of the past.

For the record, I am not saying that these types of women are bad in nature. It is usually quite the opposite. From my dating experiences, these types of women are usually very good at heart. They usually have good intentions in helping others with their problems. But, they usually get "messed over" for their good efforts. From my understanding, this negative attitude towards their relationship lives began after experiencing a very negative/traumatic relationship with some other guy/ex-boyfriend/ex-spouse that was very controlling and/or abusive towards them. I fear that this is another reason why I may have to just leave our relationship as just friends: Cause relationships with these types of women in my past dating experiences usually ended very badly for both parties involved.

At this stage of my life and career, I feel it is better to adhere to the red flags that are telling me to not pursue a committed relationship with my lady friend at this time of her life. It hurts me to even have to accept that the fact that I will have to stay in the "friend zone" with my lady friend. But, my instincts and past failed relationship experiences are telling me that I am doing the right things. In the overall scheme of my life, this is what I must do as a friend to her. When you come to a relationship realization about someone you care about, you have to listen to what your conscious is telling you. My conscious is telling me that this women has the potential to be the best thing that has even come into my relationship life.

Besides, right now, she appears to have too many unresolved personal issues that she needs to handle on her own in order to become a more complete, accomplished, and independent about herself. She finally managed to get her own place to live. She has has her own transportation. And, she has a job. She seems to have a plan with what she wants to do with her career life. I believe she has the mentality to finally be the independent woman that she would want to be. My lady friend has enough positive attributes to do so. Overall, seeking a committed relationship with my lady friend while may not be the most prudent thing to do with her at this stage of her independent life. It sucks for me. But, that is the reality of relationships with friends sometimes...