A messy room can reflect one's messy life...

As I sit her in my messy living room. I feel better that it is not as messy as my bedroom currently is. I know I need to clean up my apartment. But, I allow the tv and other distractions take me away from my menial task of cleaning up this apartment. At the same time, I am trying to get a handle on the fact that there are some aspects of my personal and business life that I have no control over. Having to face this reality leaves me feeling unmotivated to do much of nothing sometimes. Hence, the current messiness of my apartment.

And, I don't even like a messy room which makes this whole ordeal sorta oxymoronic. Yet, here I am currently sitting in this messy room. For the record, I am talking about stuff that just needs to be placed in a container and stored in the living room area. The bedroom is just straight up messy with clean clothes that need to bye put away. I am not one of those so-called "hoarders" or something. Aaaahhhhhhhhhh!!! Where is the motivation to clean this apartment!!! I am better than this!!! What is my problem!!! Damn it!!! I need to get this place back into shape!!!

Woo. I feel much better, now. I can now get cracking on this messy place in the morning. I figured once I get this place back into some type of order. Maybe it will give me a better perspective about my life, too. We'll see...

How come I can't get her out of my mind?: Is it too late to make things right with her?

There was a time when I thought I may have finally found the woman of my dreams during this current time I call my life. All she seems to have wanted is a man to trust and love. A guy to spend the rest of her life with. And, someone that did not treat her less than his equal. In a perfect world, what she was seeking out of a man was not an impossible task to do. Yet, due to our current circumstances, it appears that it may not be possible for us to be the answer to each others' needs.

We met in June of 2008. We got to know each other there after. And, the potential relationship ended by August 2008. In between those times, I never felt as much respect and love with this woman. In between this time, I never felt so upset and disappointed with this woman. And, in it all, I still found myself loving this woman. I get it. Every relationship is going to have it ups and downs. Every relationship is going to endure hardships and pains. And, every relationship is going to cause a person to asked themselves if there could have been more that I could have done to keep the relationship from ending. I think so. But, as usual, I didn't.

Even months later, when we managed to hang out with each other, I failed to let her know how I really felt about her. I loved her because we worked well together. I loved her caused when had fun together. I loved her because, in a nutshell, she got me. I fell for her "hook, line and sinker", the first day I laid eyes on her. And, I all I have to show for those times, are a few photos from her, some good memories, and the feeling that I could have done more to keep her in my life. But, I didn't...

Is it too later to make things right with her? IF I had another chance to see her, I would think not. But, IT takes two to want to make a relationship work. If she moved on with her life, I would have to respect her decision. And, chalk off my loss as another learning experience. A hard learning experience of the heart. I can't stop thinking of this woman. Even with what ever problems that she has in her life. I just can't stop think of this woman that I have come to care a lot about.

I do not know how to get her memories out of my mind. But, I do know it must be done in order to move on with one's life. I once believed in the old saying: If you love someone, you let them go. If they come back to you then she is yours. If she never returns then she never was yours. Nothing is said more true about my situation with this beautiful, caring, enduring woman that I allowed to leave my life. And, only time will determine if this same old saying applies to me...

When one is rendered useless, how does one go on from here?

During the middle of my work day, I was given orders by my immediate supervisor and workman's comp to cease with all work activities and leave the premises. It is my understanding that I am not to return to work until I have been signed-off by my treating physician of my auto accident injuries and the Dallas County Health Department. I felt worst because of the coworkers that I was leaving behind. I felt like I had let them down by leaving work while we were in the middle of an important matter. For the first time, I felt totally useless to the coworkers that have come to rely on me. And, for the first time, I felt worthless. This is not me. This is not who I am.

I don't know which is worst, the words of support and encouragement to keep my head up through this current hick up in my work life. Or, the feeling that there is a chance I may loose my job while recovering from my auto injuries. I am all new to this whole being out of work due to injuries stuff. I feel like I am stuck in limbo or something with no current end in sight until I talk with my treating physician. I hate feeling like I am not in control of the work part of my life. At this point I am rendered useless. How does one go on from here?

For the first time in my life I do not have an answer for that question...

There is a reason why I exist on this earth...

It took about 41 years to finally come to the realization for my existing on this Earth. I had to stand witness to the others' happiness, their successes, their hardships, their marriages, their divorces, parenting years, and (unfortunately) their funerals. I learned that I have been existing on this earth to act more as a "third person visual camera" of memories to others' lives. I really can't be upset over being appointed with such a never-ending task. It is just a fact to the current testament of my existence, thus far.

In my love life, I have allowed many of potential soul mates to continue to walk in and out of my life. I have chosen women, in the past, that I believed would be healthy for me in order to live a single existence. Yet, I fuss about not being able to ever finding one woman to call my significant other. Daily, I am upset that I am constantly gaining the weight I originally loss without trying any effort to stop it from happening.

I am sure the "Powers that Be" have been attempting to send people into my life to stop me from "self-destructing my existence". But, time and time again, I still "choose" to muck up my existence with this whole "Lone Wolf" mentality as my daily philosophy of being. I alone choose to exist as a daily contradiction to my positive attitude towards others and negative actions to my own personal lifestyle. In theory, I have been behaving as an oxymoron to my own health, life, and pursuit of personal happiness. Never has it been a time that I have been so alert to the ways that I am existing. Yet, I still behave as if I am okay with the life that I am living.

In many ways, I am content with my existence. In other ways, I feel that I am only existing for others' needs. I hate that I hate to never want to be a disappointment to others. I hate that I hate to always feel like there is a way to solve or resolve every problems that have been given to me. I hate that I hate to feel like I must be the constant source of optimism to everyone that I come into contact with. And, I am tire of hating myself for being all those positive attributes to others. I know that I exist on this earth for treating others as to how I would like to be treated (positively). I realize that I can never please everyone that I attempt to help with an issue or dilemma. There's no reason for hating myself for feeling this way about myself. I just needed to say it to myself out loud to feel more normal-like, I guess.

I know that I am not the saviour of every person that comes to me for help. I am not even a true hero to this world. I am just guy with issues and hardships of my own to deal with. I do what I can in trying to assist others cause it is the right thing to do. I actually do enjoy helping others as much as I can. It can be a little time consuming and taxing at times. But, I still enjoy the sometimes positive outcomes of helping others. I don't actually mind existing on this earth not as much for myself, but constantly existing for others. It can sometimes feel like a very lonely existence in my world. But, living to constantly help others is sometimes going to be a lonely existence to bare on one's shoulders on this earth. I get that fact.

Overall, I exist on this earth to be a positive influence towards others. I understand that I am also living a negative existence to my health and well-being. Yet, somehow I am finding a way to somehow to continue to exist on this earth until some outside force dictates that it time for me to no longer exist on this earth. So, until the meanwhile, I must continue to be in life to others how they expect me to exist which is something more than myself during any given task, resolution, or dilemma that may be facing. And, I am okay with existing on this earth for that reason...

The Dog

I lost my favorite pet in November of 2008. It was a hard loss to handle for awhile. It was to the point that I could never image myself getting another pet (let alone a dog) for a good while. Well, one day I was hearing noises in my back patio area. I just thought it was someone playing around with their dog cause it was barking from time to time. The barking had gotten to the point that it caused me to investigate where the dag barking was coming from. It was a surprise to learn that the dog barking was coming out of my own back yard.

In my back yard stood a white and brown pit bull young dog. It came to my back patio sliding door when I opened it as if it has always been living in my back yard. Okay, now I am wondering what is this dog doing in my back yard. And, where did this dog come from. Since the young dog did not appear aggressive, I managed to coax it into my apartment. The dog was a female. And, it had a current vaccination tag around its collar. The vaccination tag belonged to a nearby veterinary clinic. But, the clinic was closed. So, I guess I have to wait til the next morning to find out the name of this dog's owner.

Meanwhile, the dog was very playful and would "sit" on command. the dog knew to not follow me upstairs and it understood to not enter the kitchen area while I was inside of it. Overall, the dog appeared well mannered and trained by someone. It did make my laugh when it sorta checked out my fake rottweiler pup statue. But, it did not attack it. And, the dog appears to be a walker. The only time the dog went to use the bathroom was when it was allowed to return to my back yard area. It enjoyed eating the dry dog food that used to belong to my last dog. It did not fuss much when I placed it inside of a cage for the night. I really enjoyed hanging out with this dog.

The next day, I was able to get a contact number for the owner of this dog, it name was "Lolo". It seemed to even know its own name. After speaking with the owner of the dog, it was discovered that the dog came from my next door neighbor. That would explain the little bits of dirt of its legs as if it crawled under our mutual side patio gate into my back yard. The owner was willing to give the dog to me, if I wanted it. I had to refuse the owner's offer when the leasing agents advised that no pit bulls were allowed at our apartment complex. So, the owner later picked up his dog to give it away to some one else.

From spending time with Lolo, I believe that my grief with my last pet may have finally past. I know my pet would have wanted me to move on with my life. Even if it will be with another pet. But, I still hope the fond memories of that crazy pet of mine, "Lacy". It took a runaway pit bull dog to make me learn that it is okay to move on with life with something new. It does not make me a bad person for wanting to move on in my life with a new pet. I think it just makes me more normal, again, I guess...

In the beginning there was this guy...

Working from day to day can be real stressful sometimes. If I did not have a mental outlet to call my "escape" in this crazy life, I think I would be in serious risk of producing a stroke or something. IT is true that I do workout to also keep the stress off my back. Yet, I still have to blog in order to get these ideals (if you want to describe them as being that) out of my head. I enjoy bloggin, it is one part of who I am. I never wrote a blog that I could not stand by. And, I enjoy writing a blog just because it is freaking fun to do. So, to put it frankly...

In the beginning there was this guy. His name was Mojack. Mojack loves to blog. And, these are my prospectives on the things that roll around in my head on a daily basis...