Self-Doubt

Self-doubt (noun): A feeling of having no confidence in your abilities and decisions.

I am one the best at placing "self-doubt" on myself. I seem to get pissed off when "doubt" is placed upon me and become motivated to prove that particular person wrong in ever doubting me. Funny how I am harder on myself than the people that I may have disappointed when I mess up or come up short on a task or competition. I know people make mistakes. I know there are "no perfect people, only perfect intentions". But, that still does not stop me from experiencing self-doubt on a daily basis.

The higher I rose through the ranks of my employment, the more I begin to feel like I am painting myself into a corner to the point that all of my self-doubting will finally come to a head. What do I mean be "come to a head?. I afraid to ask myself that question. But, deep down inside right now, I believe I am good at the tasks that I am expected to do. I feel like I was promoted to these extra burdens at work for a good reason. And, I should be thankful for the things I have been able to accomplish so far at work. I know that there will be days at work, that I will piss my subordinates off after placing a task on them to complete. There will be days that people will think what they want to think about you, regardless after speaking your mindset about something to them. There will be days that I will feel used by someone that tries to make it appear that they are "not" using me for their own self motives. And, I know that there are days that the people that I work with will drive me up the wall after asking me to do something that is too short of notice or almost impossible to accomplish. I have to remember that I am only human. Sh*t happens that one can control, sh*t happens that one cannot control.

Even though I know all of these things, I have times when the self-doubt gets the best of me and I manage to talk my way out of doubting myself with the help of my friends. I am just worry about the day when self-doubt is "all" I ever think about at work. Where does one goes from there when that happens? It will most likely be a sign to change my career choice before the self-doubting becomes too unhealthy for me...

When one is about to loose their composure, one must step back before doing something that they may regret later in life...

I am above no man when it comes to sometimes loosing my composure. I think, when one runs into a lot of stress, one can sometimes end up loosing their composure. One must be able to step back, before doing something that they may later regret in life. Take it from a person that experienced such things, when you are about to loose your composure, go home, chill out, and sleep on it to make sure you still thinking clearly about what you are going to do next. If you still have the same feelings that you had the day before, then make sure what you are thinking with a straight head or you going on pure emotion.

Sorting out the two will make the difference in making a smart move and a dumb ass move in your life. I say this cause some things you may do in life you just can't take back. And, some things you do in life can cause most of all of your life to make right. So, if I have not said anything of worth with this blog, remember this one thing: Before loosing you composure and doing something that you may regret later, step back and calm down first. What ever may have caused you to loose your composure is usually not as bad as it may seemed, after a good night of rest. And, what ever caused you to loose your composure usually can be resolved with communication with the party or parties that set you off or doing some activity that can chill you out in order to make you think more clearly about things.

Don't forget to also talk out your stress with people that you trust. Most of my good friends have a way of making me chill out and think more clearly after loosing my composure. Finally, be able to breathe out your stress cause too much blood rushing to the brain is never a healthy thing to be experiencing while loosing your composure. I hope this blog helps. IT did for me...

The rewards , responsibilities, and challenges entailed with career ascencion...

Currently, I have risen as high in my career life than I have ever gone before. Yet, I am also scared of failing those of my peers that have placed so much expectations on me to validate being given this great opportunity. It has only been two weeks. But, I feel like I am not moving at the working pace that I desire. I feel like I can be doing much better than I currently am. And, I feel like I cannot keep using the "new guy" or "rookie" excuse in my mind for not being on my game anymore.

I know this newest career ascension in my life comes with rewards, responsibilities, and new challenges. I need to take full advantage of the experiences and growth that I am gaining each day in my new position. I love what I do for a career. I know that I am capable of handling the job duties of my new position. I just need to believe in myself and validate the expectations that have been placed on me. I just need to remember my own pep speech, "Let the work keep speaking for itself." So, the game plan should never change: Move into new position, catch up to speed with cases, and continue implementing the course of the case preparations until it is to standards. I know that I am not afraid of working long hours or driving long distances to complete my goals. This new career position should not ever change my game plan. There are still subordinates to supervisor, still cases to investigate and route, still side projects to complete, and (in between all of that) take time to breathe.

So, the self doubting of myself ends when my eyes open in the morning. The "Lone Wolf" mentality must show itself again and start handing its business. And, I loose this promotion due to failing to meet the expectations of my new attorney. I learn from those shortcomings, improve upon them wherever, and use my new on-the-job experience wherever I may be assigned at my job with no hard feelings. It is not that I have fallen down during a challenge, it's what I'll do after I stand back up. Regardless where this new career will take me in life, I know I will be okay. I will always have the positive expectations and respect of my peers to do what I only know to do, which is consistent good job in my assigned tasks. Now, my pep talk to myself is over. Handle it!!!... ;)

The fact of being clueless about my female friend and her somtimes hidden motives...

I really don't know what is worse in my life. Still single while approaching my 42ND birthday this week or being clueless of a female friend attempting to be more than friends with me. I see female friend only as a friend. Maybe, that is why I did not see the obvious signs from my female friend while others around me were noticing her minor attempts to be more than friends with me. I feel so stupid with myself for not seeing what my female friend was doing around me. And, I'm mad at myself for not noticing what my female friend was attempting to be more than friends with me. How could I have not noticed what my female friend was doing whenever she was hanging out with me?

I find myself looking back at all the times we ever hung out with each other. It was never in an intimate setting with each other. We never ate lunch together unless other friends were around. I don't recall even saying anything to encourage her to believe that I was interested in her any kind of special way. Up until today, I used to think that I was a very observant person when it comes to figuring out people and their hidden motives. I even used to advise others on those of the opposite sex that would use their role as "a good friend" to hang out with them in hopes of one day becoming more than friends with the person of their special interest. Yet, I didn't even see what was happening to me while my female friend was doing the same hidden motives to me. How could I have been so blind to what was happening in front of me? My female friend appear to have been steadily and patiently trying to get close to me whenever she was able t hang out with me. And, I was clueless to the fact of her sometimes hidden motives. Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!

When does someone you regard as a friend begins to feel like that they may have a chance to be more than friends with you? I been there myself. time and time again, I come to know that once you are in the "friend zone" you are stuck there. And, I am cool with that rule. One time my female friend had a chance to meet one of my long time friends from out of town during a fun group outing. After the group outing, my long time friend asked me if my female friend was gay or something cause she (female friend) was trying too hard to get to know all about her. I assured my long time friend that my female friend was not gay and she was just a overly "friendly" person. Now, I see that my female friend was possibly trying to figure out how deep my friendship was with my long time friend. I'm trying not to believe that my female friend was capable of pulling such a stunt with me. But, my instincts is telling me now that my female friend has been trying to be more than friends with me during the whole time were been hanging out with each other. That's what upsetting me the most about this mess. Her hidden motives.

It didn't help that my eyes were open about my female friend's tactics after a mutual friend advised me about my female friend participating in a conversation that bad mouthing a woman that I used to date. I forgot that I had introduced my female friend to the woman that I was dating one time. And, my female friend seemed like a very cool person during that exchange. Now, I hear that my female friend appear to have been hating hard on the woman that I used to date. And, that saddens me. But, it is life. I really can;t be mad at her for what she was possibly trying to do. IT just made me upset with her when my female friend would give off a vibe or say something to me as if I was a guy that has been neglecting her as if we have been dating or something. So, I decided to not hang out with her as much cause she is beginning to make me feel a little uncomfortable while being around her. I am not seeing my female friend in the same light that I once did.

The fact of being clueless about my female and her sometimes hidden motives has caused me to reevaluate my social life when it comes to women that are considered to be my friends. I'm stupid to the hidden motives of women. Now that I'm aware of this fact. I hopefully can not have this same uncomfortable issue come up in the future...

Hanging out with one's colleagues over lunch...

I went to lunch today with three out of the four of my fellow coworkers. This is the first time that I have ever eaten lunch with my colleagues over the four years that I have worked at my place of employment. And, I enjoyed eating with my teammates very much. We laughed, joked, and talked about things that were not work related. Today, the lunch felt like I was a part of a team. Today, I felt the harmony like my last place of employment where teamwork was a daily reality. To say it short, the lunch was fun. I think the moral of the division that I work in has finally come full circle. I think the unit understands that we need more teamwork, less static in our division. Today was a good day to be a my job. Today, I felt like a apart of something good. Today, I felt good about hanging out with my fellow colleagues over an lunch.

And, on that note, I will end this good blog...

This is my persona. This is the "Lone Wolf" Way...

If there is any of a time in my life that I must express my own persona throughout my daily life, it is my "Lone Wolf" persona. I try to keep my stamina to the point that it will never fail me during the midst of a physical encounter with another living entity. I would guess, at times, that I could be misunderstood while engaging with other living entities. But, it's okay. I sorta enjoy that part of my persona. Being misunderstood by those who do not know me. It keeps them having to keep guessing about who I am as a person. Only those really close to me know exactly the kind of person that I am. And, that is the way I like it.

With my persona, I am quite a friendly and group oriented person. I'm not the one for too much drama or aggressiveness from others. I rather give off "warning cues" to those that attempt to test my integrity and/or strength in battle. I never engage in a battle that I do not see a possibility of winning. Even though I enjoy working in a close knit environment with a team work mentality, I still manage to keep my individuality while working on various job tasks. I believe in the ideal of "one's own personal freedom of expression", yet with one's own freedom usually comes with self-disciple and responsibilities.

Through out my life, I find myself passing on the life teachings of my past mentors onto to those that seek my knowledge of various and sometimes colorful life experiences and training. I attempt to aide those in the development of strength and confidence in their own decision making processes. I attempt to teach those to trust in their own insights once they learn how to listen to their instincts. Eventually, I hope that their wisdom keeps them from future inappropriate actions at work and in life. With my Lone Wolf persona, I must always examine where I need to improve upon my own life with efficiency and confidence. And, I must continue to strive to somehow balance my life at work, my interactions with my friends and family with my daily personal life. This is my persona. This is the Lone Wolf way.

Rewriting one's life is an ongoing process...

Over the last few weeks, I have been attempting to rewrite my current life. While I off from work leave until I was able to return to work, I had no choice but to reflect on the current direction of my life. It was not good from my prospective as far as my personal life. My life could use some improvements with my health, love life, work environment, and ole friends.

I believe I seem to be getting a handle on that part of my health. I am going to the gym at least three (3) times a week. Can't seem to push myself on the incline sit ups for some reason. But, I'll get there hopefully this week. IT just takes that one try on that incline bench. I AM GOING TO FINALLY START THAT INCLINE SIT UP THIS WEEK.

Now, as far as my love life is concerned, it is at a whole other level of sophistication to try get a handle on. That is a beast that I think I can do without for a good while cause there is no current prospects to even consider dating, yet. I'm not at the point in my life where I should be having the relationship blues. So, my love life is not of my most highest concerns to be dealing with at this moment. But, I find a potential soul mate, I will be on that special woman.

When it comes to my job, I enjoy what I do for a living. I enjoy feeling like I'm contributing to my workplace environment. I'm trying still trying to get used to the ideal of actually being at work again. I feel sorta off my game at work. I know I will get my "mojo" back pretty soon.

A lot of who I am is contributed to my ole friends from back in the day. Unfortunately, a lot of my ole friends don't seem to understand that I my life does not always involve partying almost ever weekend. Or, they seem to not understand that I have no need for unnecessary dram in my sometimes complicated life. So, like an author writing line to his new novel, I have to figure out what characters need to remain in my ongoing life.

Time has a way of eliminating those that are no good for our well being. My life is of no exception when it comes to having to let some ole friends just fade out on their own accord. "Those unable to adapt to their friends lifestyle will eventually cease to exist in those friends' lives."

Rewriting one's life is an ongoing process. But, it is a necessity thing to still do in order to try to improve one's own life...